Words hold a lot of weight. As a writer, I aim to be a wordsmith on paper and when I speak. It is so easy to say what we think, before we think about what we really should say. No one appears to think about the repercussions of their words anymore.
Who is to blame? Is it social media and its anonymity that allows us to blurt out how we feel about everything and anything? I don’t have an answer, I just feel like civility has become a thing of the past.
My late mother taught me to be civil, to be nice and fair to people; even people I disagreed with. She would often share the old Southern saying, “You can catch more flies with sugar than you can with vinegar.” She said being courteous, fair and respectful to people was the civil and right thing to do. It was an opportunity to show people you were raised well, but it also was an opportunity to learn how other people thought, so you could understand them better. You still might not agree with them, but you would give them a chance to make their case. And maybe there would be room for compromise.
Credit: AJC file
Credit: AJC file
She always told me to listen with my ears and not with a mindset of “Hurry up, so I can tell you what I think.” Preconceived notions needed to be set aside. I still hear her saying, “Monnie, a closed mind could miss out on new opportunities.”
Somewhere along the way, many of us in society have become impolite, rude, thoughtless and uncivil, from our driving to our conversations.
Another of my mother’s favorite sayings was “empty cans make the most noise.” Usually, she was referring to people who were loud talkers, fast talkers, people full of ideas with little substance to back them up. They had no plan of action to bring those ideas to reality and no understanding that their speech was divisive rather than cohesive. They were, as James Brown sang, “Talkin’ Loud and Sayin’ Nothing.”
Often those same people use destructive criticism and not constructive criticism when dealing with others. Destructive criticism identifies only what is wrong and becomes a personal attack. An example, someone saying, “That’s a stupid idea.” Constructive criticism identifies what is wrong but also provides a solution, attacking the problem without attacking the person. Simply put, destructive criticism tears down and drains, while constructive criticism rebuilds and replenishes.
Words hold a lot of weight. And choosing the wrong words can bring more harm than good.
It’s not a new idea. The Bible counsels us several times about the power of our words:
“So then my beloved brethren, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath….” (James 1:19)
“A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.” (Proverbs 15:1)
“Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.” (Ephesians 4:29)
How I wish we could follow what is written in Ephesians as a matter of course.
“Please,” “thank you,” “you’re welcome,” “excuse me” and “God bless you” are phrases that seem to be vanishing from our vocabulary. It surprises cashiers when I say “thank you.” It is the same, when I ask sincerely, “May I help you?” And when I must walk in front of someone in a grocery aisle and say “excuse me,” most people just stare at me. Then there are the looks I get after saying “good morning” or “hello” to people. It catches people off guard.
What happened to manners and the words associated with them? Those phrases were part of a civil and respectful society when I was growing up.
We can all disagree, but why must we be so disagreeable, so uncivil. Civility means listening respectfully, asking respectful questions, free of judgment and bias so we can understand another point of view. Civility means being engaged and willing to learn and sometimes to compromise. It is all about respect for yourself and others.
That respect can begin with the words we choose to write and to speak. It means choosing our words, carefully. I want to see, hear and speak words that heal, rather than hurt; words that teach, rather than taunt; words that support rather than slander and subvert; words of encouragement rather than discouragement; words of meaning rather than meanness; words that praise rather than punish; words that unite and enlighten.
In our daily lives, remember, if we fully think about what we are about to say, before we say it, we can choose between constructive and destructive criticism and avoid becoming the “empty can making the most noise.”
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