“Josh, I think we are better off as friends. THX for the Bolts tix tho. — Rachel.”
Who hasn’t gotten — or given — the “Let’s be friends” talk? Rachel, however, didn’t talk to Josh. Instead, she had that message put up on the Jumbotron at a Tampa Bay Lightning game so the 21,500 fans in the arena, not to mention those watching at home, could see her message. Presumably, Josh read it, too.
Welcome to the world of texting, emailing and putting messages up on a Jumbotron rather than having a face-to-face conversation — or even one on the phone. People conduct business, engage in friendships and, yes, dump boyfriends and girlfriends via social media.
Social media is taking over our conversations, and maybe many of us don’t know how to have real ones. But don’t worry. There is help for the tongue-tied.
Credit: Photo courtesy of Amp Up 1 Hospitality
Credit: Photo courtesy of Amp Up 1 Hospitality
“People are losing the ability to really connect when you’re getting the bulk of your information and connections from social media,” said startup businesses consultant Jacqueline Qumar. “When you meet someone and they say, ‘Let’s stay in touch,’ they mean Instagram, not go out for lunch. Conversation is an art, and it’s being lost.”
The East Atlanta resident shares a doozy of an instance of social media gone wrong: “I once turned my phone off at night and someone sent me eight texts, from asking me out to saying he didn’t appreciate that I wasn’t responding. He had the whole argument by himself — by text.”
Lack of communication skills affects business, too, said Omar Rodríquez-Vilá, a marketing professor at Emory University’s Goizueta Business School. Today many business transactions, discussions and relationships are built through channels that are more time efficient, like Zoom, while having a sit-down conversation is happening less, he said.
“Younger students, in particular, are having a harder time engaging in a conversation,” Rodríquez-Vilá said. “I call it a prevalent partial attention span. They may be in the same physical space as you, but their mind is somewhere else.”
This makes it harder for younger people to dive deeper into a conversation, he said. “It erodes their ability to ask curious questions. … If you’re not asking about the needs of others, the result is a lack of empathy.”
Ariel Ghinga, founder of Atlanta Public Speaking, a company that helps people communicate better, calls the problem “digital dementia.” Thanks to social media, “everyone has the attention span of a goldfish,” she said. Young people, especially, really struggle with conversations and instead of approaching someone of the opposite sex or talking with people at a networking event, you become an observer. That’s not what you want.”
But listen up: All is not lost. There are ways to get into — or return to — the conversational world, and the first is obvious: pay attention.
“If I’m talking on the phone and I have three screens in front of me on my desk, there is always the temptation to answer an email while I’m talking,” said Mitch Leff, president of Leff & Associates, a public relations company that offers media training. “Walk away from the screen,” Leff advises. “Focus on the person you’re talking to. You don’t want that person to get the impression that what they’re saying isn’t important.”
Credit: University of Georgia Marketing
Credit: University of Georgia Marketing
Frances Goldwasser-Reed’s soon-to-open business, A Few Friends, will teach how to entertain gracefully, including having lively banter. “Young people don’t know how to start or end a conversation,” she said. “They don’t know how to do, or they have no patience for, small talk, but that’s how we interact. You begin with lots of small talk until you find a common interest and then the conversation takes off.”
Kirsten Guest, a holistic psychotherapist with an office in Buckhead, says there is a lot of anxiety about meeting and speaking with people. For those too crippled with anxiety for a face-to-face, Guest suggests tiptoeing into the “wild.” Try the phone. “It might be easier,” she said. “You’ll still feel connected and not have to make eye contact.”
Here are more common sense suggestions on the art of conversation.
- Take a tip on sympathetic listening from … this barkeep. “Usually when people go to a bar to have a drink, they really want to engage with someone, otherwise they’d be home,” said Steven Alexander, a bartender at Your 3rd Spot, a Westside social entertainment venue. “You can tell if someone is having a bad day; you can feel their energy. So I’ll talk to them. You have to be a little vulnerable yourself and let people know you care.”
- Use personal stories and observations. The biggest mistake people make is “worrying about being boring or not giving a presentation properly,” said Ghinga. “Turn your brain off and let your mouth talk. Your brain will catch up.”
- Preparation is key. “Think about what you really want to get across,” said Leff. “You want to influence people whether it’s the media, stockholders, employees, donors or a potential date on why they should go out with you.”
- Try conversation starters. “Don’t talk about yourself at a wedding, ask how you know the bride, and then funny conversations will start,” Leff said. “Icebreakers.”
- Pay attention to body cues. Body language, Rodríquez-Vilá said, “is part of a conversation.”
It will take time and effort to communicate better, but the results should be worth it.
“I tell women to go out and, if they see someone they may be interested in, to smile and make eye contact,” Guest says. “That’s a green light saying you’re approachable. Then start with a ‘Hi. How are you?’ If you don’t do it, you’ll never know how much fun you may have.”
RESOURCES
Atlanta Public Speaking offers communication training. atlpublicspeaking.com
Therapist Kirsten Guest helps clients empower themselves. kirstenguest.com
Speechworks coaches people to speak and communicate better. speechworks.net
BetterUp offers communication training. betterup.com
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