Online dating has come a long, long way since its inception (I’m looking at you Match.com… which came out in the mid-90s!).
The online dating sites have evolved significantly, offering new features designed with the hope of improving people’s experiences and leading to more, and better, connections. Despite all that, many people find online dating worse today than before.
Why?
Part of it comes from the sheer popularity of the dating apps. Whereas there used to be a stigma (“Ew, you’re on eHarmony?!), everyone single is now on a dating app (“How could you not be on Hinge?!”), so the challenges of navigating such a saturated space become noticeable.
The evolution of online dating
When online dating first started, it was a novel concept for those willing to experiment with new technology, like me.
I dabbled in online dating starting in 2001, first using JDate and then moving on to OkCupid when that launched in 2003. The platforms—the dating sites/apps themselves—keep improving and adapting to the times, incorporating algorithms, video features, and, more recently, AI (which I have mixed feelings about in this setting).
But, with more widespread use comes more people. And with more people, and more anonymity, comes worse behavior—ghosting, breadcrumbing, etc. So, it’s not that the apps are inherently harder to use or less effective; rather, it’s that when a space gets so packed, it’s both hard to stand out and harder to weed through everyone.
Basically, the likelihood of encountering bad behavior or feeling overwhelmed increases exponentially.
Struggles in the current online dating landscape
One of the biggest struggles my clients complain about is people not communicating—their intentions, their desires, their interest, their lack of interest. With so much technology available to us, it’s easy to hide behind a screen when an in-person conversation would be much more appropriate. Sadly, this avoidance behavior has become a hallmark of modern dating culture.
And, of course, people struggle with writing their profile and knowing how to effectively use the apps to get the results they want—dates. And ultimately, a relationship.
Turning challenges into opportunities
While online dating has its own challenges, as I mentioned, it’s still possible to overcome them with the right approach and mindset … and maybe coach (wink, wink). Success in online dating often comes down to treating it with the same level of commitment and effort as any other significant endeavor, like searching for a job or hitting your fitness goals.
Here are some practical tips for making the most of the experience:
Try a regimented approach: Treat online dating like a daily routine. I recommend logging in for 15 minutes in the morning and another 15 minutes in the evening. This method ensures consistency, making sure you get back to people in a timely fashion, without letting dating apps consume your entire day... and mind.
Set daily goals: Commit to reaching out to or swiping on a certain number of people each day, perhaps eight on Hinge for example. Success often comes through persistence.
Master the basics: Invest time in creating a profile that truly lets you shine. Write it. Read it over. Does it sound like you? Yes? Great. But does it also sound like everyone else? It’s too generic. An exercise to help might be to “name your five,” which is a game I like to play. Name five things/nouns that truly describe you and no one else. For example, mine are whiskey, puns, crossword puzzles, ping pong, and omakase (sushi). No judgment, please! If I take those five things, plus perhaps a bit of biographical information, I could easily turn them into a profile.
Limit app conversations: While messaging is an important part of online dating, don’t linger on the app for too long. Remember that online dating is simply a tool to facilitate meeting someone.
The payoff
Many people don’t realize (or want to realize) the amount of work that goes into online dating. But my most successful clients say to me, “The work pays off!” And I hope it does for you, too.
Erika Ettin is the founder of A Little Nudge, where she helps others navigate the often intimidating world of online dating. Want to connect? Join her newsletter, eepurl.com/dpHcH, for updates and tips.
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