From romantic partners to friends to family members, over time, people can often identify common phrases used by those closest to them. Some are made in anger, others in moments of joy. But do the words we find ourselves often returning to bear some greater meaning?
Communication experts have said there are common phrases many people regularly use that serve as great signs of emotional intelligence or red flags of emotional immaturity. It all depends on how you perceive yourself, others and the challenges you face in life.
But what are the benefits of high emotional intelligence? How big of a deal are those red flag phrases? Licensed psychologist Dr. Veronica Hlivnenko and New York Times bestselling brother-sister duo Kathy and Ross Petras have answers.
Common phrases used by emotionally intelligent people
Emotional intelligence can be explained in a bevy of different ways. Empathy and sympathy are the driving factors and, as the doctor says, it’s a key skill for managing your own emotions.
“Emotional intelligence, also known as emotional quotient or EQ, is the ability to recognize and identify emotions in yourself and others and efficiently manage them,” Hlivnenko told Parade. “It means a person can accurately perceive and understand their own emotions and evaluate and interpret how others feel.”
‘I feel … ’
To know yourself on an emotional level is perhaps the most straightforward example of emotional intelligence. It requires introspection, perhaps a dash of humility and a hearty helping of live experiences. In the end, people who can regularly express their emotions can better understand them.
“People with high EQ clearly know what emotions they are experiencing at the very moment,” Hlivnenko explains. “They perceive and accept them and are not afraid to openly communicate them. It makes the conversation more honest and productive, especially when talking to someone whose EQ is still developing.”
‘How do you feel about it?’
Assumptions have a way of burning us in the end, leading to misguided notions and hurt feelings. Someone that’s emotionally intelligent, on the other hand, simply — and sagely — asks: “How do you feel about it?”
“They appreciate the person’s right to recognize their emotions independently, giving them space to do this,” Hlivnenko said. “At the same time, they gently and unobtrusively offer their support and show that they care and are here for them.”
‘I understand how you feel’
While asking how someone is feeling is a wonderful first step, the most emotionally intelligent people take it to the next level. The act of empathy is followed by one of sympathy: “I understand how you feel.”
“They validate and empathize with other people’s difficulties and problems and know what to say to support them and help them handle their emotions, even when they don’t share the same experience,” she explained.
Common phrases used by emotionally ‘immature’ people
Kathy and Ross Petras are New York Times bestsellers, co-authors of the language book “You’re Saying It Wrong” and co-hosts of the award-winning NPR radio show/podcast of the same name.
Writing for CNBC, the language experts recently offered their list of common phrases often used by people that are “emotionally immature.”
‘You’re overreacting’
People are emotional, so feelings happen. Sometimes, people may sling around the old misguided adage “you’re overreacting” when someone else is showing emotion. Used too often, it could be a major red flag.
“This is a combo of gaslighting — trying to make others believe a false reality — and shifting the blame again,” they said. “The message they’re sending: You’re the problem, not me. Another toxic phrase in this vein is ‘you’re being too sensitive.’”
‘I don’t need to explain myself to you’
Taking responsibility is not always easy, but — according to the experts — it’s an important part of communicating. Someone that regularly uses the phrase “I don’t need to explain myself to you” might not be holding themselves to that standard.
“You can almost imagine a little kid saying this one,” the brother-sister duo wrote. “This phrase is a way for them to avoid any true accountability or genuine communication with the person they are engaging with.”
‘If you hadn’t done that, it wouldn’t have happened’
Not taking responsibility comes with its own problems, but blaming others can be a more advanced form of accountability avoidance. Using the line “if you hadn’t done that, it wouldn’t have happened” on a regular basis is a sign someone might be playing the blame game a little too often.
“An emotionally immature person will do everything in their power to not take responsibility for their actions and a common tactic is to make it seem like you, or literally anyone else, is in the wrong — not them,” they said.
The bottom line
The phrases we use don’t totally define us, but no one wants to see a red flag on a first date or in a job interview. When you’re itching to belt out that next “I told you so,” think about the message first. It might make all the difference.
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