I received a text from a client recently that was just three short words:
“I hate dating.”
Now, as a dating coach, I hear things like this all the time — from clients, close and not-so-close friends, strangers I meet at trivia night, the list goes on. And when someone says something both so general and so negative, I, of course, have to ask why.
In this case, I replied, “Um… where did that come from?”
She replied: “Just home from a date with this guy. He was fine. Not super attracted to him. Honestly, wanted to be home eating ice cream. Figured I’d give it an hour. So I did. Definitely no interest in seeing him again.”
Me: “OK…”
Her: “But like he asked me out again on the date. Like, to my face!”
Me: “Sounds like he liked you.”
Her: “That’s the problem! I could talk to a brick wall if I had to. I hate leading people on.”
Me: “Being friendly and having a nice conversation isn’t leading someone on. It’s just normal date behavior. … So what did you do when he asked you out?”
Her: “Omg I was so put off I said yes. I def (sic) don’t want to go! What am I supposed to do???”
Me: “When he reaches out tomorrow or whenever to ask you out again or confirm plans, you just say to him something like this: ‘Hey! Thanks again for a fun time last night. After some thought, I don’t think this is the right fit for me, but I appreciate it and wish you nothing but the best.’”
Her: “OK. What do I do if that happens again?”
Me: “First of all, can we take a step back? You told me you hated dating … because a guy liked you tonight? ;) I know dating can be stressful and frustrating sometimes. But in this case, it’s a good problem to have. And I bet if you had liked him, you would be texting me that you were so excited he asked you out on the spot for a second date! I definitely don’t want to belittle how you feel of course. Anyway, if it happens again, just say something like, ‘Feel free to be in touch.’ It’s not a yes, and it’s not a no. Then you can use the same line if he reaches out. I realize that you don’t want to reject someone to his face, and I agree that that is pretty harsh.”
Her: “OK. Thanks — was just feeling defeated.”
Me: “I know. Remember that if you’re going to hit it off with one out of every X number of people, that person could be number 1, 2, or X. And X could be on your calendar tomorrow.”
The important thing to remember is that dating can absolutely be frustrating. And that feeling is real — and completely normal.
It’s hard when you like someone and that person doesn’t like you, or someone likes you and you don’t like that person. It’s hard when you have five “meh” dates in a row.
Sometimes (often) it takes a good amount of time to find that reciprocity. But each date gets you closer.
One former client of mine brags that her now-husband was the 26th date I sent her out on — and she thought that was a low number.
As hard as it is, try to put less pressure on each date and remember that anything can change in a day.
Erika Ettin is the founder of A Little Nudge, where she helps others navigate the often intimidating world of online dating. Want to connect with Ettin? Join her newsletter, eepurl.com/dpHcH for updates and tips.
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