Unless you both always agree about everything, having a good relationship will require compromises. You each need to take in what the other needs. If you can’t find this balance, it will affect your intimacy, and your relationship will become a power struggle instead of a safe space.
You might need to talk about what is and isn’t going on between the two of you. If you have stopped being kind to each other, that’s a strong sign that whatever is going on is more than just a disagreement.
One of the things you can do right away is decide to be nicer to each other. If a negative dynamic has developed in your relationship, you need to again treat each other the way you did when you were dating. Doing little things, like opening car doors and bringing flowers, cooking nice meals, and expressing your appreciation for each other can make all the difference. It’s all about showing you care.
When you are struggling with your emotional connection to your partner, the rest of life becomes more difficult to navigate. When you don’t have enough support, it’s harder to make things work the way you want them to. It can also stifle your creative energy, and the two of you might end up spending your evenings in different rooms watching television or playing on the computer.
If that’s what’s going on, it’s time to make a change. First, spend at least some of the evening together. Watching TV is fine, but talking is much better. If one of you has some work to do, take your laptop into the living room, so you can be with your partner while you are getting your work done. Just being in the same space will help break down the walls and let you begin to reconnect.
To rebuild your intimacy, you need to do things together and talk to each other. It sounds simple, but it can be challenging, especially if you have been at odds for a while. Just remembering to say, “Good morning,” every day is a good place to start.
If you’ve been feeling critical of your partner, it helps to look for things that are positive about their behavior instead of trying to catch them messing up and using that to bolster your position. Kindness is highly underrated when couples are mad at each other, but it is one of the best tools available to reconnect and bring the love back into your lives. Remember what drew you to your partner in the first place, and draw on that feeling to bring out the best in both of you.
If you need some additional help, there are many great books, videos, and tons of info on the internet, and there’s always counseling. If you want to make your relationship work, now is the time to use all the tools at your disposal and even look for new ones. Ending a long-term relationship is a sad choice to make when all that’s necessary to save it is some deep communication.
Barton Goldsmith, Ph.D., is an award-winning psychotherapist and humanitarian. He is also a columnist, author of eight books and a blogger for PsychologyToday.com with nearly 35 million readers. He is available for in-person and video consults worldwide You can reach him at Barton@BartonGoldsmith.com
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