Tips for mastering your inner critic while dating

Dear Anna: I like it when people I’m dating text me to ask about my whereabouts, but then I will get annoyed if they start doing it nonstop, like every single day. I mean, I get that they’re just being a good person and care, but seriously, give me a break.

But then, I’ll miss them if they stop texting me, and I’m too ashamed to start a conversation because of how I left the last conversation we had. I want people to like me, but when they do, I get bored, and somehow I always find something in them that make me makes me go, “Err ... kay.” I think I can never be in a relationship. I get bored too easily, even if we just started talking. I think there’s something wrong with me. — A S—y Person

Dear ASP: There’s something wrong with everyone. Lots of things, actually. Do you find that comforting? I do. Especially when I’m grappling with the nightmare monsters of self-loathing and doubt, as you seem to be.

This started off as a fairly benign texting question and then catapulted into a grandiose (and untrue) statement that you can “never be in a relationship.” I don’t think you really believe that, though. I think you want me to validate you — the same way you want people you’re dating to validate you.

And I shall. But first, I would encourage you to not write about yourself in such limiting terms.

I suspect you are young, and that is great because it means you have lots of time to learn and grow and develop into the kind of person you wish to become.

To that end, you don’t have to be in a relationship right now. In fact, I would encourage you to not pursue one until you can learn to regulate your emotions a little better.

Take texting, for example.

You like the attention that comes from hot people texting you. Who doesn’t? And you even like a certain amount of daily “check-ins” because it makes you feel desired and cared for and special. But then another part of you, the rational part, realizes that daily surveillance is annoying and creepy, and you don’t want to feel controlled, especially by someone you maybe don’t even know that well, so you lash out at the texter and then feel guilty for the mixed messages you’re sending (and the mixed emotions you’re feeling).

What to do? Two things. First, you have to learn to get better about setting boundaries — that is, letting people know, in a calm, nonhurtful way, when they’ve crossed a line. Preferably before the boundary is crossed in the first place. If you don’t want constant check-ins, for instance, tell them that. Of course, you could always just not respond to the check-ins and hope they take the hint. Some people will, and others won’t. But since you’re struggling with keeping a calm head, I suggest being proactive about this.

Second, you need to develop a stronger internal sense of self-worth, one that is not dependent on the constant validation of others. That’s a tall order, I realize. I fail at it all the time. External validation is great. How can I be depressed when 39 people liked my bathroom selfie? But it’s also fleeting. If we get our confidence only from others, then it can get taken from us just as easily.

We all have an inner critic that’s a real jerk. This inner critic tells us things like, “I’ll never be in a relationship.” While it’s important to learn to accept criticism, our inner jerk is of no use to us, or anyone.

How do you turn this jerk into a cheerleader? Don’t say anything about yourself that you wouldn’t say to your best friend or a loved one. For instance, if your best friend came to you with a texting problem, you would never be like, “Something is wrong with you, and you’ll never be in a relationship.” For one thing, that’s not very helpful advice. And for another, it’s not supportive or true.

In other words, treat yourself with the same compassion you would give to a trusted friend.

Here’s another exercise to aid in this self-worth boosting. We all mess up. We all fall short of our ideal selves. But when we attach our behaviors to our identities, that’s when it becomes problematic.

For instance, let’s say Hot Person texted you 33 times in an hour and you texted back angrily that you hope they’re “on fire somewhere.” Your immediate response might be, “I’m a crappy person.” But you’re not. You just exhibited crappy behavior. It’s not ingrained in the fabric of who you are. The more you can believe that, the kinder you’ll be to yourself.

And you should be kind to yourself. If you won’t do it, then why would others?

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Anna Pulley is a syndicated Tribune Content Agency columnist.