The case for counseling to improve, and possibly save, your marriage

Breaking up can seem like the easy way out, but trust me, it never is.

Also, going to marriage counseling does not mean your relationship is ending. The vast majority of couples I see in my practice stay together. The choice to go to counseling shouldn’t be forced on you, however. It needs to be something both partners agree to do.

Marriage counseling is about gaining skills to communicate better and about learning what behaviors both of you need to change so you can move closer to each other. Sometimes a crisis drives a couple to therapy, but even when something formerly unthinkable happens, most people have the ability to learn and move forward, together.

I tell my couples therapy is about time and talk, and neither should end when the session does. It’s a good idea to go out afterward and talk and enjoy the evening. You can make it a date night with a dash of therapy. I also like to remind couples that the more time they spend doing homework (reading helpful books and doing some simple communication exercises), the less time they are going to spend with me.

If you invest time in your relationship and seriously talk with the one you love, you can resolve your current problems as well as your issues from the past. Doing this will allow you to rebuild your intimacy and have a loving relationship once again.

Many people deny themselves the benefit of counseling because they don’t want other people to know that they are having problems. First off, this is your private business, and the laws surrounding confidentially are very strong. Your secrets are safe with your therapist. Seeing a counselor is a wonderful opportunity to let out your pain and get some emotional support to bring the two of you closer. All you have to do is make the decision to sit down with a third party and talk about the things in your relationship that are making either (or perhaps both) of you uncomfortable.

You also may find seeing a therapist on your own to be helpful, even if you are dealing with a relationship issue. If you have some serious venting to do, it might be better if your mate didn’t hear what you have to say. Sometimes we need to get stuff out even if it doesn’t come out very politely, and it’s always a good idea to avoid inflicting painful words on your loved one.

Something I often hear from couples is they previously had no idea their partner was so unhappy. But I also often hear one or the other partner say, “I’ve been asking you to come to counseling for years.” Generally, it’s a good relationship rule to agree to see a couples counselor if either one of you says you want to go. That is, if one of you thinks it’s important, then do it. If more couples followed this rule, the divorce rate would drastically drop, and I’d happily retire.

So don’t let the stigma of seeing a licensed counselor keep you from making your relationship work and finding happiness again. All it may take is time and talk.

Barton Goldsmith, Ph.D. is an award-winning psychotherapist and humanitarian. He is also a columnist, the author of eight books, and a blogger for PsychologyToday.com with nearly 35 million readers. He is available for in-person and video consults worldwide. You can reach him at Barton@BartonGoldsmith.com.

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