Dating is hard. It’s worth the occasional reminder so you can always approach every related situation with kindness and compassion (while also being truthful).
This should be especially top of mind when it comes to rejection, a subject no one likes but happens to be a big part of dating. As much as we hope every meetup with a new person turns into something special, that’s not realistic; after all, if you’re looking for “the one,” that’s probably not going to happen on the first try. Therefore, it’s likely you’re going to be on both sides of rejection at some point.
If you’ve given someone a fair shot (meaning you’ve gone out on a date or two and have been thoughtful about why it’s not working) and decide this new path is a dead end, then you have to tell them. This is especially true if that person continues to contact you or asks you on another date. Ghosting (the popular term for when someone suddenly stops talking to their dating companion and seemingly disappears) is for Halloween and immature people. Letting someone know you just aren’t feeling it is the polite thing to do so they’re not left wondering what’s going on. However, there is a way to let someone down easily and with respect.
Try: “Thanks so much for the nice time. Unfortunately, I just didn’t feel the connection I was looking for, but I wish you nothing but the best.”
This kind of message makes your intentions clear — you don’t want to pursue the relationship further — but doesn’t use blame or negativity.
Then there’s the other side of the coin: being the one rejected. This never feels good, but it’s important not to take it personally. If someone isn’t feeling the spark, then it’s the right thing for them to let you know. You want someone who feels for you what you feel for them, and you can’t force that. It likely wasn’t easy for the person on the other side to have that conversation, so accept the news, however disappointing, with grace.
The worst thing you can do is be a jerk in response. It won’t get you anywhere: in fact, it will validate the other person’s decision to stop dating you.
You may also be left wondering why and be tempted to ask that question. However, asking for feedback rarely is helpful. More than likely, the person won’t be honest, whether that’s in an attempt to spare your feelings or because they just don’t want to come up with exact reasons. In other cases, the feedback is less about you personally. It may be they are not at a point where they can focus on a relationship, or they just didn’t find what they were looking for.
No matter which side of the situation you’re on, it’s important to remember you have no control over how others are feeling, what they’re dealing with and what they do. What you can control is your attitude and actions, so always stay positive and respectful, even in tough situations. It’s not easy, but in the end, it’s better to know.
Erika Ettin is the founder of A Little Nudge, where she helps others navigate the often intimidating world of online dating. Join her newsletter, eepurl.com/dpHcH, for updates and tips.
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