Psychotherapist’s socializing tips to get introverts through the holidays

I have a secret I’ve kept from the public for almost my entire life. I am shy. Most people wouldn’t guess it, but when I have to give a speech, I usually don’t get much sleep the night before. And if there is a meet and greet before the talk, I can become a nervous wreck, thinking about all those people I don’t know and who don’t know me, asking me questions and expecting me to be entertaining. It can be a very scary evening.

I’m the same way socially. If invited to an event where I don’t know many people — perhaps a party given by acquaintances of my other half — it can be a bit daunting to put on my public persona rather than just be the guy who watches football on Sunday in his PJs. But when required to, I can call the plays and be a little more outgoing in social situations.

Here are a few tricks that have worked for me and may help you as well.

Try to keep a smile on your face. This lets people know you are open and receptive to being approached. Seeing someone smile helps the other person feel you are safe to talk to. Smiling also sends a signal to your own brain telling you that you are in a good place and should expect nice things to happen around you. It’s interesting that we are the only species in the animal kingdom that bares its teeth as a sign of welcome and joy.

If you are talking to a small group of people who don’t already know each other, become the master of ceremonies. By that, I mean be the one who makes sure everyone gets properly introduced. If someone new comes along, you need to introduce them to the group. This will help you get to know everyone and make conversation, though not necessarily about yourself. Others will appreciate your efforts. It makes you look like an outgoing person even if you are a little shy.

Use the other person’s name when you first meet. When you are introduced to someone, say the other person’s name as you shake hands. If you are at an event and someone introduces you to a guy named Dave, you say: “Hi Dave. Nice to meet you.” It’s a really simple action that produces some very powerful results. The person you are greeting will feel more welcomed, you will remember their name more easily after you’ve said it aloud, and you will feel more empowered and comfortable because you are in control of the situation and conversation. The next step is to ask Dave where he is from and what brought him to this event. The conversation will usually flow on its own from there.

These tips can make a potentially uncomfortable evening a pleasant one for those of us who are a little introverted. This stuff is easy and it works, so give it a try.

Barton Goldsmith, Ph.D., is an award-winning psychotherapist and humanitarian. He is also a columnist, the author of eight books, and a blogger for PsychologyToday.com with nearly 35 million readers. He is available for in-person and video consults worldwide. You can reach him at Barton@BartonGoldsmith.com.

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