Better sleep, less stress, stronger immune system — are these the results of a better diet? Exercise? It’s just “good sex.”
Psychologist and Emory University professor Candice Hargons, who holds a doctorate in counseling psychology, is the author of “Good Sex: Stories, Science, and Strategies for Sexual Liberation.” Taking a moment away from leading the SMASHER Lab — the school’s Study of Mental And Sexual Health Equity in Relationships laboratory — Hargons wrote in to The Atlanta Journal-Constitution to talk about the research featured in her new book and how better intimacy leads to better health.
Why is ‘good sex’ important?
“Sex is one of the most common and normal human behaviors, and yet it remains relatively taboo as a topic,” she said. “Many people worry about being judged, either for being perceived as too sexual or not sexual enough, and a major focus of my work is to normalize talking and learning about sex to improve sexual functioning across the adult life span.”
From pain to pleasure, sexual dysfunction remains a steady concern for Hargons during her research.
“Sexual dysfunction and concerns in these areas are incredibly common,” she said. “For instance, erectile dysfunction can affect up to 80% of men at some point in their lives, while various sexual concerns impact 40-50% of women. My work is focused on preventing and improving these health outcomes.”
What factors improve both intimacy and health?
Passion, pleasure, intimacy, communication — according to the Emory University expert, these are just some of the sexual “seasonings” that can spice up a person’s sex life and lead to better health.
“Each of these enriches sex by helping partners identify what makes sex good to and good for everyone involved,” she said. “This improves public health because ensuring everyone has access to the knowledge and skills relevant for all of the good sex seasonings is an important aspect of health equity. Further, good sex can improve overall quality of life, reduce relationship distress — which is tied to community distress — and boost mood and sleep. It can also help prevent sexual dysfunction, a prevalent disease category.”
In total, her book covers 19 chapters of seasonings and the research behind them.
“Passion, the burning desire for your partner, is often one of the most important attributes in new relationships that wanes in longer-term relationships,” she explained. “It’s one of the most common things couples come to me to help reignite, because it feels like what used to magnetize them to each other and help them prioritize sex. As life gets more intertwined and partners become very familiar with each other, they can feel less and less compelled to connect sexually.”
Reigniting those passions, however, can wield major results.
“Pleasure is the main reason people have sex,” she continued. “Most people want to experience physical and emotional enjoyment, so when there is an absence of pleasure (neutral sex), or sexual pain (aversive sex), it reduces motivation to have sex.
“When couples come to me for desire discordance, or having one partner with higher desire than the other, the first question I ask is whether both of them find the sex enjoyable. Often one partner’s pleasure is more negotiable than the others, and so I try to help them achieve erotic equity.”
If couples feel passion and pleasure for each other, it can lead to something arguably more profound: intimacy.
“Intimacy is the feeling of closeness — or being known and seen for who you truly are — you feel with your sexual partner,” Hargons said. “There are multiple forms of intimacy, based on work from Dr. Shamyra Howard, including physical, sexual, emotional, social, intellectual, financial and spiritual intimacies. Determining which type of intimacy you and your partner(s) really appreciate can help you develop more tailored options for romance.
“Intimacy helps build trust and the ability to be vulnerable in relationships.”
So how can couples best maneuver these topics? Communication.
“And, finally, communication is the way we let our partners know what we want and do not want,” she explained. “The verbal and nonverbal ways we communicate with each other about sex require both expressive (talking) and receptive (listening) skills, as well as the ability to address the fears each person has in being an honest and kind communicator.”
How do you have healthier sex?
Actually utilizing these important factors to improve one’s sex life comes down to one factor: communication.
“Begin by identifying what you like and don’t like sexually,” Hargons said. “An easy way to do this is creating a ‘Yes, No, Maybe So List.’ You can use paper or a Notes app on your phone.
“Create three columns: one for Yes, No, and Maybe So sections. In the Yes section, write all the things you enjoy and want to keep doing sexually, as well as things you have not tried yet that you want to try. In the No section, write all the things you don’t enjoy and do not want to do anymore. It can also include things you haven’t tried that you’re uninterested in trying. Finally, in your Maybe So list, write all the things you’re curious about but are only willing to try in specific settings or circumstances.
“You can share this list with your partner, but even if you are not ready to do that, you will have enhanced your sexual self-awareness and be better positioned to ask your sexual partner for what you want.”
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