Being picky is fine, but don’t let it stop you from enjoying life

They say it’s harder to find a partner after you’ve reached a certain age, and it’s true. There are a million reasons, but at the top of most people’s lists is they simply don’t want to put up with someone else’s bad behavior. You may simply reach a point in life where you’re no longer willing to deal with anyone else’s BS.

One of my middle-aged friends (hey, 50 is the new 30, right?) who is currently looking for a mate complains endlessly about the men she is meeting through a matchmaker and through online dating. The matchmaker cost her $10 thousand, and the results were no better than her dates through the online service — at $29.95 a month. None of the guys have met her criteria. Is her bar too high? Let’s see … he has to have a degree, a job, not be in debt and be attractive. Sounds reasonable. But one guy wasn’t emotionally available, and another had too much baggage, and another who was really cute never called her back.

Clearly the right one hasn’t come along for my friend. You can call it being picky, or you can call it living long enough to know what you don’t need in your life.

For years, we were all told not to settle, and many people now choose to live alone rather than be in a lonely relationship with someone who isn’t right for them. Once you have decided you aren’t getting either what you need or what you want, your desire to stay with a person dies like an untended campfire. And if you have been through a divorce or two or even a couple of bad breakups, it can dampen your desire to get involved with another human being.

They say time heals all wounds, but that just doesn’t hold true if your heart has been broken by someone who betrayed your trust or abused you. Being a little gun shy comes with the territory. You still need to be involved with the world, but you have the final say over if and when you might be ready to open your heart again.

I do believe we are better in relationships than out of them. They give us the opportunity to grow in different ways and to feel validated, and being in a relationship can make life easier as well as sweeter. But that doesn’t mean you need to be in a relationship to have a full and meaningful life.

We all need people, but perhaps after some time has passed, the ways in which we need them can change. If you aren’t part of a couple, you may find that partnering in a business or just being part of the community can answer that need. Sometimes family members move closer and become a bigger part of the second half of your life. If you are open to different things, you won’t find yourself disappointed or alone.

Life has a lot to offer. Whether you allow yourself to experiment with new possibilities or you choose to complain about how nothing ever changes — or that all the “good ones” are already taken — is up to you. It’s perfectly OK to be picky. Just make sure you pick something to get involved in, and don’t let life pass you by.

Barton Goldsmith, Ph.D. is an award-winning psychotherapist and humanitarian. He is also a columnist, the author of eight books, and a blogger for PsychologyToday.com with nearly 35 million readers. He is available for in-person and video consults worldwide. You can reach him at Barton@BartonGoldsmith.com

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