As with many things, learning how to argue properly with someone you love is a skill you can develop. There is a right way and a wrong way to do it. Many couples struggle with learning to fight fairly.
Here are some ground rules.
The first one to get angry loses. You really can’t resolve anything when you are angry. So if you’ve gotten your knickers in a twist, give yourself some time to calm down before you tell your mate what they did to bug you (this time). Getting mad at someone and venting at them only serves to push the real feelings down and to make the other person detach.
Never yell. Yelling is a form of abuse, pure and simple. If your mate cowers internally every time you raise your voice, you are using it to control them. This isn’t fair or kind, and it will tear your relationship apart. Keeping your emotions contained may be very hard when you are upset, but you need to understand that when you yell at someone, you are verbally beating them up. Never try to intimidate your mate — intimidation is something you can do without saying a word, too.
Avoid threatening the relationship. Saying you want to break up — when what you really want is to get your own way — could leave you sleeping alone at night. Every issue in the relationship can’t be a relationship breaker. In a committed connection, it’s OK to disagree with your partner. The key is to see your disagreements as differences, many of which can be resolved. Try saying to your partner, “This is making me uncomfortable.” It will work much better than saying, “I’m done.”
Tell the truth. Exaggeration, incorrect observations and certainly a straight-out lie will not change things for the better or improve the nature of your relationship. Tell the whole truth as soon as you can. Trust is the bedrock of love. Without it, you are on shaky relational ground.
If you owe an apology, give it. Being able to say “I’m sorry” is key to a successful relationship. Eventually, you will accidently step on your partner’s toes, or your own feelings will get hurt. The wrong words will slip out, you will forget an important date or you will behave inappropriately in some way. At that point, the best thing you can do is say: “Oops, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it, and it won’t happen again.” If you add, “What can I do to make up for it?” your apology will be complete.
Acknowledging that it’s OK to express differing opinions — rather than expecting each other to always feel the same way — is a sign of a mature and nurturing relationship. In the long run, differences can make for more interesting and intimate conversation. Having someone agree with everything you feel can take some of the mystery out of life.
Barton Goldsmith, Ph.D., is an award-winning psychotherapist and humanitarian. He is also a columnist, the author of eight books, and a blogger for PsychologyToday.com with nearly 35 million readers. He is available for in-person and video consults worldwide. Reach him at Barton@BartonGoldsmith.com.
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