Having a good and long-lasting relationship isn’t rocket science. By being loving and supportive, you can keep your foundation strong and build your dreams for the future.
Here are some ways to help make that happen.
Be nice to each other. For the vast majority of couples that come to me, this is their first homework assignment, and it almost always helps in a significant way. If you’ve been at odds, you have probably stopped doing nice things for one another. Keep opening doors, making nice meals, and saying “I love you.”
Find little things to do that make your partner smile. This is a hunt for small treasures. Every day, I look for something to make my partner smile. It can be a key chain, a flower, or even a good quote — just something to make her know that I’ve been thinking about her.
Let your resentments go. You may need to let go of the little things that bug you. If a conversation is needed, keep it light, and know that most things can be easily fixed. For example, if your mate likes the TV louder than you do, get a pair of wireless headphones. You will both be happier, and the sound is actually much better.
Never argue in front of the kids. The greatest gift parents can give their children is to have a good relationship with each other. When you argue, your children can become very anxious about what will happen to the family and to them. Also never use the D word (divorce); it is far too threatening and toxic.
Look for the good things that your mate does. Instead of finding fault — maybe as ammo for the next time you have an issue — focus on telling your mate what they’re doing right. This may well prevent real or imaginary issues from coming up.
Never blame, shame, or complain. Before pointing a finger or voicing your disappointment, ask yourself, how will what I am about to say make my partner feel, and will it make things better? Rather than express disappointment, try to think in more positive terms. An effective approach is to find a good moment, when you are both open to constructive feedback. If you want to ask for something different from the way things are, do it in a nice way.
Leave love notes. When I reach into my pocket and find a slip of paper that reads “Love you,” it brightens my day and I feel better about my life. Reminding your partner of your unwavering affection is very powerful and will provide the lift they need to get through another day at the office or of taking care of the family.
Cuddle often. Going to bed together, holding hands, and snuggling on the sofa are just a few of the ways you can physically connect, and all of these will help to deepen your emotional bond. If your partner wants to go to bed early and you still want to stay up, you can lie down together until your mate falls asleep, and then you can get back up and do whatever you wanted to do.
Have dinner as a family whenever possible. This is one of the best ways to help your kids become good adults, and it brings everyone closer. In addition, having date nights with a romantic dinner for just the two of you is a must.
Trust that you are with the right person. When you doubt that the person you’re with is right for you, you will be unable to put the right kind of energy into the relationship. Even if you’ve hit a rough patch, believing that you have chosen wisely will make resolving issues easier and your life as a couple more enjoyable.
There are plenty of other things you can do to strengthen your bond. Start with these, and don’t try to do them all at once. Just start with number one, and the others will be easy to add to your interactions.
Barton Goldsmith, Ph.D., is an award-winning psychotherapist and humanitarian. He is also a columnist, the author of 8 books, and a blogger for PsychologyToday.com with nearly 35 million readers. He is available for in-person & video consults world-wide, reach him at Barton@BartonGoldsmith.com
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