New year, new me!
We say it all the time, but do we ever really mean it? I think we think we do, but the next thing you know it’s the 20th of January, and we are still on the couch covered in milk and stale crumbs of the ghosts of Christmas cookies past. Our blue jeans are nowhere near close to fitting better, which makes no sense because we all bought a gym membership. (Sadly, for the gym to do its job, you are required to actually darken the door and hop on a machine. As Sturgill Simpson sings, “Life ain’t fair, and the world is mean.” Indeed, Mr. Simpson.)
Credit: Handout
Credit: Handout
It’s one of the few stupid traits we all share equally: Thinking that a different year on the calendar actually means something. You might be saying, “Oh no, I’ve always known resolutions were dumb!” But I bet at least once in your life you’ve said or thought “lord have mercy, I can’t wait for this year to be over!” As if that last page on the calendar is a dam holding back all your hopes and dreams, and the new year will let them bust through. I hate to tell you this, but no. All the things that sucked about 2024 (and, lord, was there a lot) are still gonna be there in full suck mode in 2025, the only difference is that the cute dog-of-the-day calendar you forgot you bought last year is now fire kindling.
Your boss? Still a jerk. Your house? Still needs a new roof. Your mortgage? Still reliant on you tolerating said jerk boss. One thing that will change in 2025 is who runs the country, so at least we have that to look forward to/pull our hair out about. What a transition it will be, too! We are going from an elderly white man who has been in hiding for months until it came time to pardon some truly awful people to an elderly white man who saved some time by just putting the awful people he knows in his Cabinet. What could go wrong?
I haven’t made a resolution in quite some time because I got sick of failing and beating myself up over it. I decided it would be better to just remain a bag of trash without all the pretense and stakes. This year, I think I’m gonna change all that. No, I’m not going to vow to lose weight (though, surely to god, I finally will!), and I’m not going to give up nicotine. I’m going to take the next step in my mental health journey and do something I should’ve done a long time ago: I’m going to stop looking at the news on Elon Musk’s virulent message board.
Don’t get me wrong folks, I don’t really care for any version of social media out there, but, unfortunately for me, it’s an occupational hazard. As a comedian, if I want my work to be seen, I have to post it on social media. To even get work, I have to maintain a near daily presence on most of the popular apps. Wanna know how you’ll know if I hit the lottery or my stories get turned into a Hollywood franchise? You’ll never see my fat butt again! Well, not on social media at least. I’m sure there will be pictures surface of me being escorted out of an Applebees for drinking too many cocktails and screaming “I’m king of the world!” from atop a high-top.
The idea of social media as a place to keep up with your friends and family is great, but that’s not what it is anymore. At least not on X. It seems that a large percentage of the users think that everything, and I mean everything, needs to be a debate. You liked that new Superman trailer? Idiot. Batman is better and is going to come beat you up.
That type of binary thinking is not limited to superficial things like movies, and it grows exponentially more vitriolic when it comes to news and politics. Used to be when you heard the news, it was from a respected journalist or broadcaster. The facts were reported, and you could determine how you felt about it. Nowadays, opinions are presented as fact, and our country’s “leaders” are being influenced by people I wouldn’t trust to watch my dog while I went to get beer from the gas station.
The other day I saw a sitting congressman get called out by an X user called (and I’m not making this up) Catturd. Not only that, but ol’ Catturd was supported by other sitting congressmen.
If you didn’t understand that last paragraph, congrats, you are on the internet an appropriate amount of time! If you did understand it, then you know all too well that you and I need to log off and go to the woods — or touch grass, as the kids say.
So, this year, I’m making a resolution, and I hope you’ll join me: In 2025, let’s all resolve to stop giving stupid people attention. Maybe we will alleviate our constant depression. Or, at the very least, we will have more time to bake.
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