They say if you want something, you just gotta work hard for it! I’ve certainly found that to be the case in many of my endeavors cause lord knows, you ain’t reading this cause I was a child prodigy in English and grammar! In my 21 years in the entertainment industry, I sometimes feel the only difference between me and one of the many funnier and talented people I came up with is that I kept my nose to the grindstone when they did not.
I now realize that, sure, that could be it. But it could also be pure luck. Because it turns out, there are things that you will never be no matter how hard you work. One that has bummed me out lately is that try as I may, I will never be king. That’s a gig where nepotism not only helps, but it’s required! At least in modern day civilized countries that is. Back in the day, I suppose you could just go chop the current king’s head off and then by law, you were now king! But no matter how many people I’d like to behead, it wouldn’t help me a lick now.
I think I’d be a good king. A just king. I’d go as far as to say a benevolent king. For the most part I feel like the peasants wouldn’t notice much of a change in their day to day life. But I have made a list of some grievances I have that I’d like to see corrected, and if you will indulge your majesty for a moment, I’ve taken the time to list them below in what for now we will call my “Mission Statement” (this seems a more warming way of phrasing “my list of demands!” I think).
Things to ban:
— Crotch rockets. At first I was gonna say “all motorcycles” because frankly they get on my nerves. Every time I see a bumper sticker that says “look twice, save a life! Motorcycles are everywhere!” I think to myself “why don’t you ‘think twice’ and buy something with four wheels like the rest of us who ain’t divorced!” But then I remembered that lots of my buddies have Harleys and hell, they look cool and are fine. Plus I like Steve McQueen movies. Crotch rockets, however, are only meant to do one thing: break the speed limit. Doing wheelies and driving between lanes of cars in traffic might be fun in Grand Theft Auto, but I’ve got a kid now so if I see you doing it and then we both end up at the store together, I may not win, but we are gonna fight.
As stated though, geezer gliders are still fine … just keep it tween the lanes. That said …
— Loud pipes on cars. No one thinks you are cool and it really pisses me off when I’m trying to have a conversation in my yard and a bevy of you overcompensating losers drives down my road on the way to some stupid Shriners car show and I have to repeat my punchline cause no one could hear me over your damn pipes. I hope your car explodes with you in it.
— Those soda machines with one hose for all the flavors. Oh sure, it gives you unlimited options, but it makes all the drinks suck so who cares. Also publicly flog the person who invented it.
Things I will finance the research of:
— Black licorice. How is it still available for purchase if everyone hates it? Why is it the only anomaly in the “supply and demand” chain? Is there a secret cabal of Depression-era Mamaws still alive and controlling the reserves?
— Do places like Walmart and the DMV have a temporal ugliness filter surrounding them? It’s the only thing that makes sense. I’m always the most attractive person in these places, and I’m not even particularly handsome.
— Ghosts. ‘Nuff said.
Things to bring back:
— Butterfinger BBs. Not only are they our greatest contribution to the world of sweets, their discontinuation seems to have directly contributed to our country going to hell. The timeline tracks, but we need more data.
— Steroids in baseball. The home run chase between Sammy Sosa and Mark McGwire during the 1998 MLB season was one of the most electrifying periods in sports history and none of it would be possible without the use of anabolic steroids. Was it dangerous? Maybe. Did we care? Absolutely not. Did negative press about the home run record’s legitimacy being called into question cause 9/11? We may never know. But as king, I’ll look into it.
— “Mindhunter”: A Season 3 would heal us.
So there ya go. That’s my platform as king. Not bad, huh?
Of course, it will never happen. Not (only) because I’m unworthy, but because in America we do not have a king, we elect a president.
Seems someone should remind the current one of that fact.
Credit: Handout
Credit: Handout
Corey Ryan Forrester is a comedian from Chickamauga. He is the co-author of “The Liberal Redneck Manifesto: Draggin’ Dixie Outta the Dark” and “Round Here and Over Yonder: A Front Porch Travel Guide by Two Progressive Hillbillies (Yes, That’s a Thing.),” and a co-host of the podcasts “wellRED” and “Puttin’ On Airs.”
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