Friends and neighbors, the holiday season is in full swing — or Christmas season, if that’s what you prefer, though, seriously, no one cares — and that means one thing: Time to suckle at the teat of capitalism for the last time in 2024 before drying your mouth for a few days before returning to its welcoming bosom once more to return all those air fryers. (Seriously, y’all. Stop buying air fryers. Everyone’s got one already. If you think you don’t, check to see if your oven has a convection mode. Same thing. You’re welcome.)
The holidays are complicated. Some folk anticipate the season all year because busy schedules or distance keeps them from the ones they love, and they wish for nothing more than to fellowship with family and friends alike. For others, the holidays are a dreadful time made tolerable only by imbibing copious amounts of alcohol. The alcohol numbs the pain, though, ironically, it is often the root of that pain. I know I can’t smell a shot of Jim Beam without getting flashbacks of my Uncle Keith, his face aglow with the reflection of Mamaw’s Christmas lights, being hauled in by the Georgia Bureau of Investigations for holding illegal dog fights in his neighbor’s garage. Dog fights are bad enough, but, for god’s sake, they were corgis! Oh memories.
Credit: Handout
Credit: Handout
I suppose I shouldn’t say “the holidays” are complicated because the holidays are fairy tales leveraged by greeting card companies marking card stock up 500% and home decor conglomerates selling every version of Jesus, Santa and the Grinch under the sun. It’s families that are complicated. The holidays are just the dates we’ve scheduled to torture each other, if only to death.
The holidays are even difficult on those “perfect” families we all know. Sure, they may not have to hide all the knives and jewelry when that one cousin shows up, but I assure you that one has nearly had a stroke trying to determine which color stand mixer they should buy for that one aunt Christ himself couldn’t please. Did you know there are more heart attacks this time of year? Sure are! Your ticker can take all the beer and bratwurst you throw at it in July, but one look at an Early Black Friday Sale catalog after your last rent check bounced will cause that same heart to explode.
For the record, I adore Christmas! The cheesy movies, the cadre of clay villages adorning the shelves, the medley of winter scents rising from each room’s designated candle and the food — my lord, the food.
But whether you love or hate Christmas, worrying about gifts can get a person down? Is political divisiveness affecting your purchasing decisions? Well, fret not, because ol’ Corey Cringle has the gift guide for you!
Looking to buy for that MAGA uin your life? You know the guy. Can’t see through his back window because of all the bumper stickers. Burned his Nike socks in protest. Loves people open-carrying (unless they are Black). This year, don’t get him something he wants; give him something that needs: A dictionary so he can look up what a tariff is.
Got a super liberal aunt who spends half her day reposting “resister” memes about how good President-elect Donald Trump is going to look in an orange jumpsuit and the other half talking about how the Democrats can still save us all? She’s delusional. But that works out for you. Just tell her you donated money in her name to the Human Fund, and she’ll forget all about it the next time she sees a “Covfefe” joke and laughs herself sick over something that wasn’t even funny seven years ago.
Often times, these two people are married and the resulting child is an amalgamation of the parents’ worst traits. They claim to be fiscally conservative but socially liberal. This is coded speak for what they really are: a Joe Rogan-addicted aspiring tech-bro. Screen shot a picture of a Monkey NFT and say you won it in an underground crypto auction. Sound ridiculous? It is, but Rogan’s people are required to pretend like it all makes sense.
Perhaps the hardest person to buy for: the undecided voter. They are afraid to say out loud what they know in their hearts to be true for fear someone will judge them. You’ll see them at your parents’ party or your spouse’s parents’ party — or maybe both. The solution? Do not get these people a gift. Tell them that one Christmas party feels too traditional, and the other feels too light. If there were just some mythical third Christmas party, then maybe you could do a gift exchange. Heck, you might even agree with these folks a bit. The two-party Christmas system is inherently flawed. Each is run buy a set of grandparents who complain about the other grandparents, and none of them understand why their grandkids don’t like them. But one party is a lot of fun (until the cleanup begins), and at the other, well, everyone’s drunk when you arrive and no one is sharing the whiskey.
I hope this helps. I know I didn’t cover spouses, but, if you married someone, you ought to know what to get. Unless your spouse is that supposed undecided voter. Then just get them help.
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