It is no surprise at all to La’Kesha Johnson that U.S. Surgeon General Vivek Murthy has now called parental stress a national problem requiring public action.
Johnson puts everything she has into parenting her 15-year-old daughter, from driving the girl 20 miles each day to and from school to make sure she learns in a safe and high-achieving environment; to managing her enrollment and travel for extracurricular activities; to working extra hours to pay for it all. It’s time she couldn’t have fathomed during her own active childhood.
The COVID-19 pandemic forced changes for children and parents — and many still are being felt. Compared with before the pandemic, Johnson’s daughter is getting older and gaining independence. But during the two years of learning at home, her child somehow lost her hearty confidence.
“It does hurt me emotionally,” to see the girl who used to speak onstage before big audiences say she no longer wants to speak in public at all, Johnson said. “And then it also makes me feel like I haven’t done enough to make sure that she’s going to be successful out here.”
Johnson is one of tens of millions feeling the same thing, according to the surgeon general.
In a public announcement last week, Murthy issued a national advisory about the stresses parents find themselves facing now. Calling it a “critical public health issue,” the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services publicized the surgeon general’s call to action for resources to help parents and caregivers cope with fallout from social, work and health pressures affecting their kids and themselves.
“Better supporting parents will require policy changes and expanded community programs that will help ensure parents and caregivers can get paid time off to be with a sick child, secure affordable child care, access reliable mental health care, and benefit from places and initiatives that support social connection and community,” Murthy said in his announcement. He called for “a shift in culture, policies and programs to ensure all parents and caregivers can thrive.”
Murthy backed up his alert with a 36-page research report, including an American Psychological Association study showing that 48% of parents say most days their stress is completely overwhelming, compared with only 26% among nonparents. In addition, the high levels of parental stress have consistently increased in the past decade.
Whereas Johnson had her child before the pandemic, Jasmine Miller of Atlanta has the opposite experience: two children born during the pandemic, now 2 and 4 years old.
“Stress to me looks like two toddlers running around, dependent on their parent(s) for everything, constant oversight, and not enough sleep,” Miller said in a text message.
Miller agrees wholeheartedly with Murthy that societal change would help.
“I believe that our country lacks an organized system of support for families,” Miller said. “The value of family is not prioritized enough in terms of things such as work-life balance. Unfortunately, the pandemic forced people to give greater recognition to the family unit; however, I believe things are reverting back quite a bit.”
Alyza Berman, owner of Berman Psychotherapy in Atlanta, was glad to hear the surgeon general’s announcement. She’s seen a surge in moves toward divorce among her clients who are parents, she said.
“The stress, there’s so much stress in relationships between a mom and a dad,” Berman said. “The work-life balance and the work-parenting life balance: There really isn’t a lot of balance. When you get advice from a professional that you need to work on balance, for many that really isn’t possible to make it happen.”
The first thing Berman mentioned was the explosion of extracurricular activities outside of school that parents are expected to enroll their kids in to ensure they one day will be competitive for a good college. The pressure for structured activities begins as young as age 5, she said.
And as much as parents went nuts trying to work from home while also overseeing at-home schooling in 2020, Berman said, the pace of activities did slow down. Now, she said, many see not just a “back to normal” but an acceleration where programs and people seem to be trying to make up for lost time.
“Going back full swing has been so hard,” Berman said.
That’s not to mention the fallout from pandemic-related mental health problems, which affected children and adults alike. Outcomes are improving but aren’t back to where they were. What’s new, Berman said, is an increase in anxiety.
All of that resonates for parents such as Johnson, a professional in human resources. When she and her brothers and her ex-husband were kids, they were able to get sports scholarships to college just by being standouts in regular public high school programs. Now, that’s not enough. Johnson has heard unequivocally from coaches and fellow parents that her daughter needs several extra programs in soccer and hockey to ensure she’ll earn a college scholarship.
In addition, the South DeKalb public high school that would be an easy commute for her daughter isn’t the learning environment she trusts. Just this summer, a social media video taken in that school drew more than 1 million views of a child getting stuffed in a trash can in the cafeteria. That child’s parents alleged there was no adult supervision at the time.
Johnson said she knows she should take time for herself, at least once a month, maybe by dropping her daughter with her mom or her ex-husband. But then she starts to wonder what it might cost the girl.
In any way possible, Berman said, parents must create structure to keep everyone sane.
“Even if your week Monday through Friday is crazy and stressful, please put aside time on your weekend to reconnect with your family,” Berman said. Then, she said, look for a way to “disconnect and give yourself time for yourself.” That might even be at the end of a long day.
Within the avalanche of work and activity, she said, “stick to boundaries and routine. So that at night at a certain time during the week, everyone is shut down. Even if it’s 10 o’clock at night: By 10, everyone is in their own corner, and you can at least take a breath.”
ONE THERAPIST’S TIPS FOR MANAGING PARENTING STRESS
Therapist Alyza Berman, a licensed clinical social worker, sees overwhelmed parents in her practice. These are some things they try to work toward:
- Structure the chaos
Parents have overwhelming time commitments. To any extent possible, structure them and stick to boundaries. The goal is that at the end of each day, at the same time every day, there will be a time when everyone has wound down and can have a minute to think and rest.
- Family first (but you, too)
Finding time is hard. But try to make time on the weekend for two things: reconnecting with your family just as family. And disconnecting to have some time yourself.
- Embrace help
Therapy can help parents manage crises when they come up and also can improve living skills. Psychology Today’s website contains a searchable list of therapists. And therapists increasingly are moving to a cash-only basis, so another way to find them is by calling the phone number on the back of your insurance card to ask the insurance company for names of local therapists in your coverage plan.
