We all have dreams about our life and what we consider markers of success, whether personal or professional – good health, a satisfying job, a loving family, financial stability or something else. While some people achieve these goals in balanced and sustainable ways, others find it challenging.
When these idealized scenarios remain out of reach – especially as we age and have less time to achieve them – we may feel guilt or shame. As an antidote to these bad feelings, we may rage against the world, create scapegoats to blame for what went wrong, beat ourselves up mercilessly or continue to push ourselves relentlessly.
One of my patients had struggled over time to manage all aspects of daily life. But many things were not going according to plan, and facing this perceived lack posed a threat to her sense of self. If she gave up pursuing the ideal, how else could she live?
But there are healthy ways to let go of these idealized versions of how our lives should have been, or should be, and instead focus on building a life, at any age, that is true to our needs and values.
Ask this difficult question
I often ask patients, “Who are you outside of how others view you?”
This can be a difficult question to answer, as often, the way we think of ourselves is in relation to other people, what is expected of us and whether we live up to such expectations. This is especially relevant early in life, when we are provided a “map” of how to think of our place in the world by significant figures such as caregivers. If we earn love or approval by behaving a certain way or achieving particular results, this seed may continue to grow and serve as a compass for what we need to strive for.
This can create a pressurized way of being that does not allow us to deviate from what seems like an ideal, predetermined path, one that we may not have had much say in paving. Who we feel we should be may not be genuine and unique to us. This can limit how much creative expression and individuality we allow ourselves to experience, as in some ways we are living according to someone else’s script for us.
But what we do may never feel sufficient, especially if we have a sense of never being good enough or that we have made mistakes that are beyond repair. No matter how much we achieve or accumulate, what we do is emptied of value quickly, leaving us in the same situation as before. It’s like trying to pay off a debt using the wrong currency. Even when some success and security are achieved, it all feels fragile and at risk of collapsing. As my patient said, “Everything stable feels endangered.”
On the surface, reaching a place of absolute control and perfection can seem very appealing. But it can become a haunting and tormenting quest, given how problematic this state is to maintain and how little satisfaction it might bring. Yet it can be hard to give up this pursuit, as it may be our only template for how to live. We remain stuck and unable to embrace the future in a flexible way.
Accept limitations
Under these circumstances, it may be difficult to accept any limitation. When reality challenges our desire for an idealized self, it can be very unsettling.
Yet life continues to happen, confronting us with how little control we have over many things. As relationships end, jobs and finances don’t go according to plan, our bodies stop working the way we want them to, our loved ones die and other injuries hit, we are forced to reckon with the notion that an ideal life is not something to be achieved; rather, it is something to be mourned.
This grief may be hard to bear, but it need not be overwhelming. What may help is to acknowledge our achievements, while recognizing that many things will remain outside our reach. Once we stop defining ourselves by what we have not accomplished, we can strengthen our self-esteem.
Find the good-enough
When we get past what could have been, or the idea of what should have been, we can find value in what has remained, in what has survived the collapse of the ideal. This is how we might discover the parts of ourselves that exist beyond the unrealistic expectations that have been guiding us. These are the parts that can help us build a sustainable life that has purpose and meaning.
As a different patient said, “I used to worry so much about being judged. Now, if someone thinks less of me, I know it’s not about me. It’s on them if they don’t want to see me for who I am. I’m done rejecting myself.”
Forgive yourself
Forgive yourself and others for life not having turned out as you wished. Adopting a more compassionate and forgiving attitude, including toward ourselves, can decrease stress and improve emotional well-being.
It also can lower anxiety and fear surrounding social interactions. The pressures to live up to an ideal version of ourselves can lead to the feeling that we are being scrutinized by others, making us self-conscious and wary about interacting with them.
Cultivate gratitude
Nurture a sense of appreciation. Taking realistic stock of how much we have accomplished can provide a more grounded perspective. It can serve as a counterbalance to our instinct to dismiss anything short of the ideal.
Gratitude can lessen the desire to endlessly push for more. It can also decrease envy, a harmful emotion that is often generated when we see the achievements or traits of others and feel inferior, pushing us to close the gap by devaluing others or elevating ourselves.
Christopher W.T. Miller, MD, is a psychiatrist and psychoanalyst practicing at the University of Maryland Medical Center and an associate professor at the University of Maryland School of Medicine.
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