As the details of a shooting at a Georgia high school continue to emerge, parents are faced with the wrenching — but also the very necessary — task of talking to their children about it.
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution connected with mental health experts for tips on helping children process and manage their distress around school shootings.
Here is their advice for parents:
Focus on your own feelings first.
Jody Baumstein, a therapist at Children’s Healthcare of Atlanta, said parents should take some time to acknowledge their own reaction to the news before having conversations with their children about the school shooting.
“A helpful starting point is to realize we have feelings, too,” she said. “Sometimes we just so quickly want to support our kids that we haven’t even checked in with ourselves.”
Wait until you’re calm.
Children watch adults and pay attention not only to what they say but also nonverbal cues and body language. If parents are feeling fearful or anxious, kids will likely pick up on that. As much as possible, parents should try to be calm before starting any conversation with their kids.
Find a quiet moment to talk — perhaps after dinner or while making the next day’s lunch.
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Start the conversation by following their lead.
Find out what they already know. Before jumping into the conversation, it helps to first determine what your children already know, so you know what’s on their minds and where to begin.
The American Psychological Association recommends parents open a conversation by asking kids, “What have you heard about this?” And then listen.
Address incorrect information.
If what your child is telling you simply isn’t accurate, gently let them know. Let them know there is a lot of information out there — from friends, family, the internet, social media, etc. — and you can help them figure out what is true and real.
You don’t need to have all of the answers.
You may feel as if you need to be prepared for anything your child may ask, but that’s unrealistic.
“They really just need us to be there with them,” said Baumstein. “You don’t need to have all of the magic words that don’t exist. And I think this is one of the most important points, which is when big scary things happen, kids are looking to us and learning how to navigate things in the world. And if we don’t say anything, we are sending the message that some things are too big and too scary and we don’t deal with it.”
“We want them to become adults who know how to deal with difficult things and not shove it down and avoid or push it away and act like it’s not happening,” she added.
Share your feelings.
They will see you are human. They also get a chance to see that even though you may be upset, you can pull yourself together and continue on. Parents hear it often: Be a role model. This applies to emotions, too.
Keep the information simple and age appropriate.
As much as possible, inform kids without overwhelming them or creating more anxiety or fear. When you explain what’s happening, stick to the facts and give your children only what they need to know.
Younger children do not need to know the same level of detail as older children and teens. You do not need to give graphic details.
Be honest.
It’s normal to want to make your child feel better, but lying about what’s happening can do more harm than good. Kids are smart, and if they think you aren’t telling them the truth, they will try to find the information elsewhere.
Don’t minimize or dismiss their concerns. For example, saying, “There’s nothing to worry about,” doesn’t take away their fear or make them feel better, and it discourages them from talking about it.
“It doesn’t mean we pile on and add more fear and say this happens all the time and we need to be more cautious,” said Baumstein. “What we are doing is stating the facts. Sometimes it happens. Is it statistically rare? Yes. Could this happen? Yes. We are not saying it happens everywhere all the time and they need to be on high alert but we cannot guarantee it will never happen.”
Focus on what you can control.
Help your child accept the unknown and focus on the present moment, the here and now. Encourage positive coping and calming techniques, such as deep breathing, to help with overwhelming feelings. Help kids keep their usual routines, such as family meal times.
Limit exposure to the news and social media.
Even without a stressful event or situation happening in the world, receiving constant alerts and notifications can make people feel more anxious. Encourage the entire family to take breaks from the news and social media. Putting phones away during mealtimes, and shutting off all electronics at least an hour before bedtime is a good idea, Baumstein said.
Don’t push it.
If your children clearly don’t want to talk, that’s OK. Let them know you will be available whenever they are ready.
Above all, reassure.
At the end of the conversation, reassure your children that you will do everything you know how to do to keep them safe and to watch out for them. Reassure them that you will be available to answer any questions or talk about this topic again in the future. Reassure them that they are loved.
SOURCES: Children’s Healthcare of Atlanta and the American Psychological Association
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