Today John and Carolyn Sperandeo will start their day in worship at First Redeemer Church before heading to the neighborhood Kroger just off Peachtree Parkway.
You might guess they are an item just by looking at them: the way they touch each other, the happy banter, the knowing looks. John and Carolyn have been married 21 years.
They live with their two sons, two Labradors and two cats in Cumming. Carolyn, 47, is a stay-at-home mom and John, 46, is an account manager for an industrial supply company. For more than 20 years, Sunday grocery shopping has been a habit of theirs, a daytime version of date night that started when their love was new and John lived in Atlanta and Carolyn still lived in Warner Robins, where the two of them grew up.
Carolyn calls it the high point of their week.
“It’s our alone time,” she said. “No kids. No stress, except what to eat.”
In many ways, their marital union is no longer considered the only socially acceptable course for a couple in love, as Americans redefine what happily ever after really means.
A generation or so ago, tying the knot was universally accepted. But not anymore. Barely half of all adults in the United States, including Georgia, are married, according to a report by the Pew Research Center, a nonpartisan think tank that analyzes data pertaining to social issues, attitudes and trends that shape the country.
“Marriage has lost its former monopoly over the organization of personal and social life,” said Stephanie Coontz, professor of history and family studies at the Evergreen State College in Olympia, Wash., and director of research and public education at the Council on Contemporary Families.
The good news: “People are no longer forced to enter or stay in a bad marriage,” said Coontz. “Unmarried and divorced individuals face less stigma and have more legal, social and personal opportunities to construct a rewarding life than ever before.”
The bad news: “More choices create the possibility of poor choices, or at least regretted choices, and lost chances,” she said. And the impact of bad choices on children can have devastating effects.
In 1960, 72 percent of all adults ages 18 and older were married; today just 51 percent are. Among African-Americans, just 31 percent of adults are married.
If current trends continue, the share of adults who are married will drop to below half within a few years. Other adult living arrangements — including cohabitation, single-person households and single parenthood — have all grown more prevalent in recent decades.
The data raises the question why.
For one thing, many young adults are postponing marriage until they finish their education or get established in careers, said Pew researcher D’Vera Cohn. In addition, “society no longer frowns on unmarried couples who live together. In fact, most people who marry these days live together first, so cohabitation is a growing alternative to marriage,” she said. “And, for a growing number of mothers, marriage is no longer a requirement for parenthood — 41 percent of births are to unmarried moms.”
Economic factors also play a role, said Cohn, especially for high school graduates whose rate of marriage has plunged more sharply than for college graduates who command better jobs and higher salaries.
Despite the numbers, most Americans still want to marry, said Randy Hicks, president and CEO of the Georgia Family Council, a nonprofit organization that promotes healthy families.
“Not only is marriage not outdated, it’s not even close,” said Hicks. He cited Pew findings that 58 percent of singles and 64 percent of cohabitating couples want to marry. For those aged 18 to 29, the statistics are even higher — 69 percent want to marry.
But when it comes to those who are divorced, only 29 percent want to get hitched again.
“I think we have a longing to be in a lifetime commitment. We just don’t have a clear picture of what that looks like,” said Hicks.
Teamwork, faith
On Saddlebrook Glen where the Sperandeos live, that picture has never been clearer.
“This is it,” Carolyn Sperandeo said, smiling. “I wanted to be married. I wanted to have kids.”
Less than a year after John proposed, the Sperandeos were married in a double-ring ceremony in September 1990, in the same Catholic church where they were confirmed.
The two first met more than 30 years ago. They dated awhile, but it wasn’t until they graduated college that they rediscovered one another.
“I knew the second time I had her I wasn’t going to let her go,” John Sperandeo said.
Love, trust, friendship and teamwork are essential ingredients to a stable marriage, say the Sperandeos, who share a family-centered upbringing and traditional gender roles. Like her mother before her, Carolyn Sperandeo does most of the cooking and cleaning, and she makes sure the home is quiet so John can have a peaceful respite from work.
Bradford Wilcox, director of the national marriage project at the University of Virginia and the author of “When Marriage Disappears,” (Broadway, 2011) said there is no research that links traditional gender roles with marital bliss, with one exception.
“Men who are unemployed generally have lower marital quality and higher divorce rates” than women, he said.
He also credits couples who attend church together with having more stable marriages.
Coontz, with the Council of Contemporary Families, said her research shows men who feel strongly that they should be the breadwinners and wives should care for the home have a higher risk factor for divorce. And her findings say other shared activities have the same effect as attending church.
“I think the key to the impact of religion is the mutual involvement in activities,” she said. “Couples who are active in secular community services together also have higher marital quality.”
College graduates such as the Sperandeos are more likely to marry and less likely to divorce than those with only a high school education and lower, said Coontz. College educated couples tend to marry later and have more economic security. They also tend to be more flexible about gender roles and more supportive of marital equality, two factors she said play a bigger role in predicting marital satisfaction than in the past.
Coontz said achieving higher education, especially for women, and even more especially for African-American women, is associated with a higher chance of being married, albeit at an older age than average and with a lower chance of divorce.
“In general, African-American women have lower marriage rates than white women, but educated African-American women have significantly higher marriage rates than their less-educated counterparts,” she said.
Hard times, strong bonds
Experts say couples who manage to weather tough times are more likely to survive over the long haul.
Shortly after the Sperandeos married, John’s brother Stephen was diagnosed with a rare cancer. The couple rallied to take care of him, putting a strain on their marriage. John was at the hospital more than he was at home. He quit his job to save his brother’s engineering business, and they burned through the $7,000 they’d saved to buy their first home. They argued more than they ever had.
“It was emotionally and physically draining,” Carolyn recalled. “We didn’t know where our next meal was coming from.”
Carolyn insisted John find a part-time job, and he eventually gave up trying to save his brother’s business.
In 1992, Stephen Sperandeo died. That part-time job John took led to a 15-year career managing retail golf stores. The couple was able to recoup their savings and a year later purchased that first home.
Research shows that endurance can lead to marital happiness, said Hicks. When two people who have been married a long time look at each other, “they see someone with whom they’ve shared a foxhole,” he said.
Taking a second chance
Bob and Kathy Sieling of Roswell were both reluctant to wed after their first marriages failed. Kathy, in particular, found it difficult to trust someone again.
“When I divorced in 1980, I swore I’d never marry again,” Kathy Sieling said.
But in 1991, she walked down the aisle once more. Two children and 20 years later, the 54-year-old wife and mother says, “I could never imagine life without Bob. He’s my family.”
Like the Sperandeos, the Sielings’ marriage was tested.
Twenty-six weeks into her pregnancy in 1993, Kathy Sieling miscarried the couple’s first child.
“That was a really hard thing,” Bob said.
But instead of turning inward with their grief, the Sielings sought professional counseling. A therapist helped them work through their anguish and accept the fact that they “grieved differently.”
The Sielings would eventually have a healthy son and daughter, but in 2008 their union would undergo yet another challenge.
That year, Bob Sieling got a pink slip.
“I was 58, so I was a little worried about finding another job,” he said.
Although Kathy was still employed as a teacher and Bob, a product manager, was able to do some independent consulting, the family budget was reduced by more than half. They adjusted by cutting back to necessities and delaying vacations and other big purchases.
In the 20 years they’ve been together, the couple said there have been plenty of disagreements, “but all kind of minor in the scheme of things,” Kathy said. Despite their history of divorce, “there’s never been a thought to leave,” she said.
Measurable benefits
It’s “Wing Wednesday” at the Sperandeos, and the mention of divorce gets their son’s Zac’s attention.
“No way,” he says.
His sentiment, experts say, is typical and for good reason: Divorce often does not bode well for children.
“Social science and everyday experience tells us that children being raised by their married mom and dad are more likely to thrive in life,” Hicks said. “Married adults are also happier, healthier and better off financially than their unmarried counterparts.”
Bradford Wilcox, with the national marriage project, ticks off matrimony’s mental, physical and economic benefits:
● Married men are less likely to quit their jobs without a new one in hand.
● Men who get married in their 20s and stay married generally live eight years longer.
● Kids reared in married households are less likely to run afoul of the law.
● Girls are twice as likely to become pregnant if they grow up in a home without their fathers and they are twice as likely to drop out of high school.
“In a wide number of ways, both kids and adults are more likely to flourish,” Wilcox said. “That’s why I am concerned that more Americans don’t enjoy the benefits of a stable married life.”
Coontz agrees there is plenty of evidence that a good marriage has benefits, but she cautions that the emphasis should be on the word “good.”
“For happy couples, extra time together lowers blood pressure, increases immune functioning and lowers depression,” she said. “For unhappy ones, though, it has the opposite effect.”
Data bleak for blacks
Wilcox said the decline in the marriage rate has been particularly devastating for African-American families. He said 73 percent of African-American children are born outside of marriage, compared with 53 percent of Hispanic children and 29 percent of white children.
“Most African-Americans still aspire to marriage but because of a legacy of discrimination, poverty, and — more recently — male joblessness, they find it difficult to forge a strong, trustworthy relationship that will lead to marriage,” Wilcox said. “But this means that many black children grow up in a home without a father, which only makes it more difficult for black children, especially black boys, to acquire the education, self-control and model of family life they need to flourish as black workers and spouses when they become adults.”
When it comes to divorce, the level of conflict in a marriage may predict how well the children fare, Wilcox said.
“Research on divorce and children indicates that kids generally do better when their parents divorce — in a high-conflict situation,” he said. “But children do worse when their parents divorce in the wake of a low-conflict marriage. Unfortunately, according to research, a majority of divorces involving children in the United States follow such low-conflict marriages.”
Since the 1970s, more Americans have adopted a piecemeal approach to relationships, said Wilcox. They feel free to put parenthood, cohabitation, and marriage in any order that suits them.
“The problem with this a la carte approach to relationships is that it is much less stable for kids,” he said. “Children who are born outside of marriage — even to cohabiting couples — are much more likely to see their parents break up, and to be exposed to a revolving cast of boyfriends, than children born to married parents. And such instability is not good for kids.”
Pulling together as a team
By the time Bob and Kathy Sieling met each other in Pensacola, Fla., Kathy Sieling had laid aside most of her reservations about marriage. When Bob proposed in 1990, she hesitated at first, but 45 minutes later said yes.
Today, she believes wholeheartedly in marriage and finds comfort in knowing Bob will be there with her “through all the ebbs and flows that life will offer.”
Regardless of a declining marriage rate, she said her 20-year-old union “enriches my life and makes me feel connected to the same type of relationship that my parents cherished for 51 years.”
If there has been a downside to their union, it is this: Bob is in his 60s and looking to send two kids to college.
“I may have to work until I’m 80,” he said, laughing.
Laughter is something the Seilings and Sperandeos share — that and their religious faith. Those are things that have held them steady for two decades.
“At the end of the day, we look at our accomplishments and what we did as a team,” Carolyn Sperandeo said.
“That’s what makes a marriage.”
Special Report: The state of our unions
Saying “I do” is becoming less common, according to research. Yet those who study the institution cite its myriad benefits and say many who would tie the knot are deterred by economic obstacles.
About the series
As the marriage rate in Georgia reaches an all-time low, AJC veteran reporter Gracie Bonds Staples examines the data and talks to experts, couples and singles for a three-part series starting today.
Monday
Living together: Over the past four decades, the number of people cohabitating has increased twelvefold. For some it’s a prelude to marriage, for others it’s their union of choice.
Tuesday
Party of one: The image of singlehood is being redefined as an increasing number of adults are choosing to live alone.
Marriage rates in Georgia
In 2010
51% of people 18 and older are married
In 2000
57% of people 18 and older are married
Source: 2010 U.S. Census Bureau’s American Community Survey
Georgia's marital unions
In 2010
29% have never been married
15% are divorced
6% are widowed
In 2000
23% have never been married
13% are divorced
6% are widowed
Source: 2010 U.S. Census Bureau’s American Community Survey
U.S. Adults on Marriage
28 Median age men get married
26 Median age women get married
46% Divorced or widowed adults who don’t want to remarry
32% Divorced or widowed men who want to remarry
16% Divorced or widowed women who want to remarry
Eight habits of a successful marriage
● Take responsibility for your attitudes and actions
● Create a marriage mission statement
● Prioritize your priorities
● Think mutual benefits
● Listen first, talk second
● Embrace teamwork
● Sharpen the saw with traditions that renew you spiritually, mentally, socially and physically
● Lift yourself by lifting your spouse
Source: Dr. John Covey, director of the Home and Family Division at Franklin Covey Co.
Millenials on Marriage
22% Millennials* who are married
30% Millennials who rate successful marriage as very important
44% Millennials who say marriage is becoming obsolete
54% Millennials who say divorce is preferable to an unhappy marriage
* Americans born after 1980
Sources: U.S. Census, Pew Research Center
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