It’s difficult to work up the courage to join the dating scene, especially when you’re over 50 and haven’t gone out in decades. Once you do, it can be easy to fall into a rut.
Maybe you’re in constant “swipe left, swipe right” mode on a dating site but you never find anyone interested in the type of relationship you would like. Or you’ve had so many first dates they’re a blur. Or you’re seeing someone new — once again — but it’s not going anywhere. Does this sound familiar?
Monte Kuykendall, a licensed professional counselor who practices in Augusta, says it’s valid to feel like throwing in the towel.
“There’s that problem with online dating where it’s just a cattle call,” he told the AJC. “You can have multiple bad dates, run into unkind people — that’s common.”
He’s experienced similar frustrations as a 52-year-old divorced man trying to meet women, but Kuykendall said altering your attitude about the dating process beats giving up.
The first step to breaking a bad dating pattern is to turn inward, according to Priya Lakhi, a life coach, reiki master, board-certified hypnotherapy trainer, and founder of Atlanta-based Awaken Ananda, an online support option for women.
“Our relationship with ourselves is the foundation from which we can give and be in love,” she told the AJC. " For many of us, even if love knocked on our door, we wouldn’t know what to do with it. We might push it away or sabotage it in some way.”
When you recognize you keep hitting a roadblock in your dating life, “this is a sign that you are not pursuing love from a place of fulfillment but rather a place of abandoning your own needs” she said.
Kuykendall, who works online with couples and individuals, offered a few tactics based in part on his dating experience:
Scale back expectations
“Sometimes you get stuck on the end result and worrying about whether it’s a successful date or not and put too much pressure on yourself,” Kuykendall said. “In dating, it’s easy to pressure the other person, too — you expect them to conform to your desires and what you want from a girlfriend or boyfriend.”
Kuykendall said he tells himself, “Well, maybe I will make a friend,” ahead of a date.
Make the first date low stakes
One of Kuykendall’s heartfelt issues is daters who make the first get-together an extravagant affair.
“I’ve had at least two women do this, where I spent $100 or more for an overly elaborate first date and we were both nervous. I was too reserved to say anything about the plans ahead of time, but I felt taken advantage of.”
He said some people feel they’re “setting a standard” with an expensive first date. Instead, it’s unnecessary pressure on both people.
To break out of a pattern of awkward first encounters, Kuykendall said to think back to high school dates, where you didn’t spend much and went out for something like burgers.
Give yourself permission to bail
If you encounter unkind people — even those who were sweet on your first couple of dates — allow yourself to move beyond dating them, Kuykendall said.
“In all fairness, they may be as jaded as you feel or have been doggedly pursuing dating and feel worn out. But if they are unkind, they are not ready to date — or not ready to date you.”
Don’t agonize over what went wrong
This is crucial when you want to avoid getting stuck in a negative dating cycle, Kuykendall said. “If you liked the person but they didn’t respond, try not to take it personally. Instead of asking yourself over and over, ‘What did I do?’ and thinking that person is upset with something you said or did or didn’t do, recognize that they’re upset because of what they’re going through. It has nothing to do with you.”
No longer focusing on a person whose actions are beyond your control will help you concentrate on yourself, Lakhi said. “It also requires mourning the fairy tale that the right person will make us happy. That idea helps to create the rut in the first place. There is no perfect person out there.”
You’ll be able to move forward when you can “look at yourself in the mirror and know you can find someone who checks a lot of your boxes and yet realize every relationship will involve times when you feel disconnected and alone or a lack of attraction.” Lakhi said. " It is in these moments that our past no longer has to define us. These ruts can lead to remarkable new beginnings.”
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